Comann Eachdraichd Uig

Overheard in Uig

Two fankside philophers on the Good Night Out in Uig, being presented by B8011 (that’s the Uig theatre company, and also the road to Uig) – which is on Friday 26 September at 8pm at Uig Community Centre.  £6/£3, tickets on the door, cash bar.

WE SEE A BOILER-SUITED FIGURE LEANING ON THE TOP BAR OF A SHEEP PEN. HE TAKES OUT A TOBACCO TIN AND COMMENCES ROLLING A CIGARETTE.

A SECOND FIGURE, ALSO IN A BOILER-SUIT, APPROACHES. HE LEANS ON THE TOP BAR OF THE PEN AND TAKES OUT A TOBACCO TIN.

FIRST:

Anything fresh?

SECOND:

Och cail. I never heard a thing. (PAUSE)

FIRST:

Is there a play on in the hall or something?

SECOND:

(A SNORT) Huh! That’s all we need. What is it?
Shakespeare I suppose.
Oh well, it’ll be the telly that night then.

FIRST:

No, it’s not Shakespeare.

SECOND:

Aw, don’t tell me it’s another thing about St Kilda!
We’ve already had St Kilda – the Ballet, St Kilda – the Opera.
What is it this time?
Hiort – the Musical?!

FIRST:

No, no. It’s Iain Baba and that lot.

SECOND:

Has that boy not got a proper job yet?

FIRST:

Well… he’s very keen on the acting.

SECOND:

Acting?! Is that what he calls it?
No, no. There’s no decent actors left nowadays.
Kirk Douglas and Burt Lancaster – that’s what you call actors.
Look at the films they were in: High Noon, Rio Bravo, The Magnificent Seven.

FIRST:

Er… I don’t think they were in any of them.
You’re thinking of John Wayne.

SECOND:

Well… anyway… you know what I mean.
And who else is in this so-called play?
They were scraping the barrel last time.

FIRST:

Maggie Smith I think’s in it.

SECOND:

Maggie Smith! She couldn’t even get a part in Machair.
What does that tell you?
Anybody else? Anybody I might actually have heard of?

FIRST:

Er… Kathryn MacIver.

SECOND:

Oh aye. Another household name.
In her own household.
I knew they’d be scraping the barrel but even so….
What was her last starring role – an extra on Haggis Agus?

FIRST:

She’s a niece of Mairi Hearach’s.

SECOND:

We’ll have no trouble hearing her then.
If she takes after the Auntie.
Thank goodness I’ve got a bit of painting to do.
I’ll stay home and watch that drying instead.

FIRST:

Oh no. It should be quite good.
Two plays they’re doing.
Two short plays.

SECOND:

Aye. They’ll be long enough when you’re sitting in the hall.

FIRST:

Well… I don’t know. Two for the price of one.
That sounds like a good deal.

SECOND:

Oh aye. That’s what you get in Tesco’s when there’s some rubbing they want rid of.
Och well… I might take a look in – at least the bar’ll be open.
When is this anyway?

FIRST:

The 26th. It’s a Friday.

SECOND:

Dash it!

FIRST:

What?

SECOND:

I’ve got a stag do that night.

FIRST:

A stag do? Where’s that then?

SECOND:

Brenish.

FIRST:

Ah! Co-dhuibh…

© Eric J Macdonald