Overheard in Uig

Two fankside philophers on the Good Night Out in Uig, being presented by B8011 (that’s the Uig theatre company, and also the road to Uig) – which is on Friday 26 September at 8pm at Uig Community Centre.  £6/£3, tickets on the door, cash bar.

WE SEE A BOILER-SUITED FIGURE LEANING ON THE TOP BAR OF A SHEEP PEN. HE TAKES OUT A TOBACCO TIN AND COMMENCES ROLLING A CIGARETTE.

A SECOND FIGURE, ALSO IN A BOILER-SUIT, APPROACHES. HE LEANS ON THE TOP BAR OF THE PEN AND TAKES OUT A TOBACCO TIN.

FIRST:

Anything fresh?

SECOND:

Och cail. I never heard a thing. (PAUSE)

FIRST:

Is there a play on in the hall or something?

SECOND:

(A SNORT) Huh! That’s all we need. What is it?
Shakespeare I suppose.
Oh well, it’ll be the telly that night then.

FIRST:

No, it’s not Shakespeare.

SECOND:

Aw, don’t tell me it’s another thing about St Kilda!
We’ve already had St Kilda – the Ballet, St Kilda – the Opera.
What is it this time?
Hiort – the Musical?!

FIRST:

No, no. It’s Iain Baba and that lot.

SECOND:

Has that boy not got a proper job yet?

FIRST:

Well… he’s very keen on the acting.

SECOND:

Acting?! Is that what he calls it?
No, no. There’s no decent actors left nowadays.
Kirk Douglas and Burt Lancaster – that’s what you call actors.
Look at the films they were in: High Noon, Rio Bravo, The Magnificent Seven.

FIRST:

Er… I don’t think they were in any of them.
You’re thinking of John Wayne.

SECOND:

Well… anyway… you know what I mean.
And who else is in this so-called play?
They were scraping the barrel last time.

FIRST:

Maggie Smith I think’s in it.

SECOND:

Maggie Smith! She couldn’t even get a part in Machair.
What does that tell you?
Anybody else? Anybody I might actually have heard of?

FIRST:

Er… Kathryn MacIver.

SECOND:

Oh aye. Another household name.
In her own household.
I knew they’d be scraping the barrel but even so….
What was her last starring role – an extra on Haggis Agus?

FIRST:

She’s a niece of Mairi Hearach’s.

SECOND:

We’ll have no trouble hearing her then.
If she takes after the Auntie.
Thank goodness I’ve got a bit of painting to do.
I’ll stay home and watch that drying instead.

FIRST:

Oh no. It should be quite good.
Two plays they’re doing.
Two short plays.

SECOND:

Aye. They’ll be long enough when you’re sitting in the hall.

FIRST:

Well… I don’t know. Two for the price of one.
That sounds like a good deal.

SECOND:

Oh aye. That’s what you get in Tesco’s when there’s some rubbing they want rid of.
Och well… I might take a look in – at least the bar’ll be open.
When is this anyway?

FIRST:

The 26th. It’s a Friday.

SECOND:

Dash it!

FIRST:

What?

SECOND:

I’ve got a stag do that night.

FIRST:

A stag do? Where’s that then?

SECOND:

Brenish.

FIRST:

Ah! Co-dhuibh…

© Eric J Macdonald

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